If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Crib
So today I got Karsens crib and changeing table and sat there for like a hour and couldnt figure it out.... Its times like these I really miss having matt around It gets pretty frustrating and eye opening that pretty much everything I am going to do is going to be on my own. It sucks but I know I can do it.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Start Fresh
So im thinking starting this new year with so many amazing things coming up theres also some other things I need to get off my chest and put them in the past so I can start Fresh.
Matt
I have a lot of built up anger twords you I am so ready to let go of.... I think one of the things that frustrate me most about us is that we use to be amazing friends and then we fell in love and now we cant even find that friend part again. It makes me sad because I miss you as my bestfriend a lot. I know we are going to do the best we can with Karsen and I know deep inside you are going to be a great dad you just need to grow up and get out of this selfish stage your in right now, you dont relise how much I really do and dont seem to appreciate it and dont seem to care how the things you say and do hurt me somtimes. and you say things are going to be diffrent when shes here but im not sure if I beilve you yet I want to though. and I just hope things are going to be diffrent when you hold her for the first time. and I know that we will become great friends again because we both want it we just need to work at it. I am glad I get to share this experiance with you.
Him
This is the first year I am starting with you not in my life in 5 years and to tell you the truth im not to sure how I feel about it but I know its the right thing.I was so in love with you but are timing was off everytime. I love you for some things like making me stronger.... for giving me the adventures I needed to make myelf feel better... For being there for me. But there are also things I hate you for like.... making me weak at times..... For helping starting addictions to things that did nothing but change me and hurt the people around me..... For Hurting me the way you did. But I also have to say I am so beyond sorry for hurting you and changing you first. you were beyond perfect and I couldnt see that.. it was my loss. I hope one day you will wake up and be the person I really loved so you can be back in my life but im sure that wont happen you have changed to much and I hope you get help because there are so many people that love you and want you back.
Mom
I love you more than words will ever be able to say but there are somthings I have to say.... One of my biggest memories growing up was you always taking off when things got hard.. after dad died you just decided to move hours away and leave us with grandma it was really hard I had just lost my dad and then my mom bails it wasnt a good feeling.. and then after that the random trips to california for months at a time because you couldnt take it anymore even the times you did that when I was in high school it hurt a lot. My brothers took a big part in raisin me and you owe them a lot for that... after dad died you kinda put me on them while you went and lived your own life with a new boyfriend and things. I will NEVER do that to my Daughter no matter what! we had a hard life but things have gotten better and I know in the log run it has made me who I am today and has made me stronger. You have became so amazing these past two years and I really dont know what I would do without you I love you so much and most of all I forgive you.
Dad
It hurts a lot to know the first time I hold my daughter you wont be here. and somthing brian said not that long ago really got to me he said "its so sad to me that dad isnt here for his first grandchild.. he would be so happy" It really sucks but this is jsut the way it is. I know you are with me everyday and watching over us all and I will always make sure Karsen knows who you are and she loves you just as much as the rest of us do. I love you Daddy and miss you more than anything.
Karsen
Man girly you have no idea how spoiled you are going to be.... not only with clothes... toys and a bunch of other things but most of all with love. I have never felt more love for someone and I can not wait to hold you in my arms and I promise you I will do my best I know sometimes I am going to fail but you are my life now and I will do everything in my power to make sure you have such a great life. I love you.
Matt
I have a lot of built up anger twords you I am so ready to let go of.... I think one of the things that frustrate me most about us is that we use to be amazing friends and then we fell in love and now we cant even find that friend part again. It makes me sad because I miss you as my bestfriend a lot. I know we are going to do the best we can with Karsen and I know deep inside you are going to be a great dad you just need to grow up and get out of this selfish stage your in right now, you dont relise how much I really do and dont seem to appreciate it and dont seem to care how the things you say and do hurt me somtimes. and you say things are going to be diffrent when shes here but im not sure if I beilve you yet I want to though. and I just hope things are going to be diffrent when you hold her for the first time. and I know that we will become great friends again because we both want it we just need to work at it. I am glad I get to share this experiance with you.
Him
This is the first year I am starting with you not in my life in 5 years and to tell you the truth im not to sure how I feel about it but I know its the right thing.I was so in love with you but are timing was off everytime. I love you for some things like making me stronger.... for giving me the adventures I needed to make myelf feel better... For being there for me. But there are also things I hate you for like.... making me weak at times..... For helping starting addictions to things that did nothing but change me and hurt the people around me..... For Hurting me the way you did. But I also have to say I am so beyond sorry for hurting you and changing you first. you were beyond perfect and I couldnt see that.. it was my loss. I hope one day you will wake up and be the person I really loved so you can be back in my life but im sure that wont happen you have changed to much and I hope you get help because there are so many people that love you and want you back.
Mom
I love you more than words will ever be able to say but there are somthings I have to say.... One of my biggest memories growing up was you always taking off when things got hard.. after dad died you just decided to move hours away and leave us with grandma it was really hard I had just lost my dad and then my mom bails it wasnt a good feeling.. and then after that the random trips to california for months at a time because you couldnt take it anymore even the times you did that when I was in high school it hurt a lot. My brothers took a big part in raisin me and you owe them a lot for that... after dad died you kinda put me on them while you went and lived your own life with a new boyfriend and things. I will NEVER do that to my Daughter no matter what! we had a hard life but things have gotten better and I know in the log run it has made me who I am today and has made me stronger. You have became so amazing these past two years and I really dont know what I would do without you I love you so much and most of all I forgive you.
Dad
It hurts a lot to know the first time I hold my daughter you wont be here. and somthing brian said not that long ago really got to me he said "its so sad to me that dad isnt here for his first grandchild.. he would be so happy" It really sucks but this is jsut the way it is. I know you are with me everyday and watching over us all and I will always make sure Karsen knows who you are and she loves you just as much as the rest of us do. I love you Daddy and miss you more than anything.
Karsen
Man girly you have no idea how spoiled you are going to be.... not only with clothes... toys and a bunch of other things but most of all with love. I have never felt more love for someone and I can not wait to hold you in my arms and I promise you I will do my best I know sometimes I am going to fail but you are my life now and I will do everything in my power to make sure you have such a great life. I love you.
Choices
Im new to this whole thing but theres a few things on my mind tonight.
I understand that marrige is a big thing and that it is meant for love, but please tell me why it is wrong for me to get married for the love of my child? this whole marrige situation would never make it so i worrie if i can provide food for my child or a roof over her head and if someone i did love can help me with that by marrige then why not? and if he is also making that choice for the love of his daughter then i find nothing wrong with it..... theres not much he can do to help his daughter and for the first four years of her life he will barley be around and that kills him. So he found another way to help her even if thats marrying someone not for love. Of course it sucks that the first time i ever get married its going to be this way but its time to put me aside and him aside and do what we can for our daughter.
And it really bothers me when people want to judge me for this choice i am making when that person has been through no struggles in their life have never been homeless.... have never not had food in their mouth.... who knows nothing about struggles. well I do and i refuse to let my child ever have to go through what i did growing up. and the worst part is that your bestfriend cant even open her eyes to relise whats going on or put her feet in your shoes for five mins and think about it.
I understand that marrige is a big thing and that it is meant for love, but please tell me why it is wrong for me to get married for the love of my child? this whole marrige situation would never make it so i worrie if i can provide food for my child or a roof over her head and if someone i did love can help me with that by marrige then why not? and if he is also making that choice for the love of his daughter then i find nothing wrong with it..... theres not much he can do to help his daughter and for the first four years of her life he will barley be around and that kills him. So he found another way to help her even if thats marrying someone not for love. Of course it sucks that the first time i ever get married its going to be this way but its time to put me aside and him aside and do what we can for our daughter.
And it really bothers me when people want to judge me for this choice i am making when that person has been through no struggles in their life have never been homeless.... have never not had food in their mouth.... who knows nothing about struggles. well I do and i refuse to let my child ever have to go through what i did growing up. and the worst part is that your bestfriend cant even open her eyes to relise whats going on or put her feet in your shoes for five mins and think about it.
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